Will Turner and Snow White: A Mistake
by Pravus Malum
Summary: I, Will Turner, will astound you with the knowledge that the tale Snow White was actually a true tale...except there was no wicked queen or dwarves. There were, in fact, pirates. Shippings: BarbossaApples, WillHimself, SnowWhiteWill, ElizabethNo one
1. The Honor of Will Turner

Every legend starts with a small truth and a big mouth. You might recall the whimsical tale of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, where an enchanting prince met an enchanted princess and fell happily ever after. Well, maybe you won't believe it, but this whole poison-apple business was in fact Barbossa's fault.

It all started one day when the Black Pearl had stopped for the night because Jack claimed they needed provisions. In provisions, he meant they were going to run berserk through the nearest city and pick every pocket he could lay his grubby hands on.

I had gone out for private reasons to the forest, and just as I squatted down, I saw a miserable girl at my feet. Suddenly feeling that more important matters were at hand, I ignored my bladder, flipped her over, and hoisted her over my shoulder. Pirate I may be, but considering the handsome visage I sported, I must be a noble and brave pirate, one who defended maidens from less attractive pirates like Jack.

When I boarded the Black Pearl again, Elizabeth appeared on the spot like a rabbit from a magician's hat. "William Turner," she breathed angrily, and I could feel the hairs poke out from the back of my neck.

"Elizabeth Turner?" I squeaked, but she paid no attention to the implied surname. I flipped my hair over my eyes and gazed soulfully at her, sure I could make her heart melt.

Instead, her face was even icier. "Why are you carrying a damsel on your back?" She stepped forward and took the girl's chin in her hand. "And a pretty one," she said threateningly. She was fingering the scythe in between her belt. "I could fix that." My charms were not working, so I turned to innocence.

"Honey, sweetie, I found her," I said as I inadvertently turned the distressed damsel behind me.

"Where? At a bar? Or an…" Now I began to fear for my own face as she leered closer. "…inn?"

"It was the forest. And she needed someone desperately."

Elizabeth's eyes narrowed, "How desperate?"

My heart dropped. Elizabeth was taking everything I said and twisting it. "She's hurt and lost. What else was I supposed to do?"

Elizabeth glared at her beadily before finally waving a hand to the door. "You can kindly show her the way out." After I gave her my most pathetic glance, she sighed, "Fine. Set her near the edge. Maybe the ocean air can bring her to her senses." And under her breath, "Or maybe she'll slip off deck." Meekly, I propped the body against the side of the ship, her head lolling to one side.

"Elizabeth!" Barbossa strode out onto the deck, positively fuming. Speaking as if a murder had been committed…oh no, that would be a bad example. Speaking as if decency had been committed by a pirate, he said slowly. "Have you hated me from the beginning of your life?"

"I did hate you the moment I saw you," she reflected musing.

"How can you have the gall to do this to me?" He waved a crimson apple by the stem in repulsion. "A red apple, Elizabeth? A RED ONE?" Barbossa only ate green apples. Anything else to him would be sacrilege.

Elizabeth clapped a hand over her mouth, her dark eyes widening. "Oh Barbossa. Whatever shall we do?"

"It's bad luck for an apple to be red. Nature's mistake, I call it."

Elizabeth frowned. "I don't remember seeing any of these. Everyone knows how you detest them. Maybe Jack stole the apples because they were the only ones he could find."

My collar felt too tight around my neck, but being the gallant man I was, I couldn't let Jack take the fall. I confessed up front, "Excuse me Barbossa, but I thought you'd like them. I bought a barrel of it."

"A barrel?" Barbossa looked even more frightening. His yellow fingernails dug into the apple. If it had a voice, it would be screaming with fear.

"I've heard that red apples are in reality green apples dropped in red paint," I squeaked.

And if you'd believe it, Barbossa, the ungrateful wretch, chucked it at my head. I will not tell you whether it hit me or not. If I said it did, I will be forever shamed. If I said it didn't, my honesty will be at stake.

"That cost us a dubloon!" I cried.

"Yeh should have stolen it!" he yelled back.

Why did we bother stealing money when we ended up stealing anything that could be bought? I guess the gold pieces brought back fond memories to the crew. Particularly Barbossa. Or maybe it was simply part of the pirate job description.

Then his attention was caught by fair lady yonder deck. His eyes grew all squinty, just how an evil gremlin's might. "Has a mermaid flopped up our ship?"

Elizabeth regarded her with a concealed expression. "Ask Will. She certainly won't talk."

Barbossa ignored her and flipped her around. He gasped. I nodded solemnly.

"What a shiny beauty?" Shiny?

In one motion, Barbossa's hand snatched off an emerald necklace from her neck. Oh.

"She's loaded. If we threw her over board, she'd sink," exclaimed Barbossa, plucking the rings off her fingers like cherries.

"Now really, Barbossa," said Elizabeth sternly. "You should not take the young lady's jewelry away."

I felt quite swollen in pride. What a kind and thoughtful wife I had!

"There'll be no point in throwing her overboard if she can't sink."

This was a time for action! Bravely, I pulled Barbossa away from her and unsheathed my sword. Barbossa and Elizabeth in turn pulled out theirs.

"Fighting your own wife, Turner? How touching," Barbossa sneered. I backed away and nearly tripped over the damsel.

"No. I will never do such an ignoble act!" Whipping the sword up, I placed the blade against my throat. A bead of sweat rolled down my temple, and let me assure you, I've had many a person (man and woman) tell me that sweat made my attributes all the more stunning.

I widened my eyes as would a desperate man and sought Elizabeth's. "If you kill her, I too shall fall!"

"Why would I want a husband who'll rather die for another woman than for me?" she yelled, outraged.

"We can hire someone else to replace him," said Barbossa slowly. "Then we can train him not to do something stupid, like buying red apples."

I paled. Would a man like I go back on his word? But I wasn't very keen on dying either.

Suddenly, the clouds broke forth and sunlight streamed down. In the spotlight posed Jack, a great pirate and friend, looking positively majestic. I was sure he was my savior, for the water in his dreadlocks sparkled like gold and in his hand was a sword. The sun bloomed from behind his body and gave the impression that he was glowing like a firefly.

"Shaving, William?" he asked, smoothly before jumping onto deck, his bag laden with treasure.

"Defending a fair woman!" I cried, glad for someone to be on my side.

"Who? Barbossa?"

Both Barbossa and Elizabeth seethed at Jack, who paid no attention. Then he turned around to see the black-haired red-lipped lady.

"Jack, they want to kill her! They want to loot her!"

"Loot her, yes. Kill her, no. She is the person I have been searching for many years!"

Barbossa and Elizabeth gaped. I smiled proudly. Perhaps it is time for Jack to commit a righteous act. I love curiosity.

**This is actually quite out of my style, but I couldn't help but see what will happen if I just type without thinking…and voila! I'm quite aware that everyone's rather OOC (except maybe Barbossa), especially Elizabeth, but I hope their main essence is still there. Please review and tell me what's on your mind.**

**I must find the zing!**


	2. A Captive by Accident

**Thanks for reading my story so far! Please continue, and I'm actually getting the hang of this humor thing. **

"Who…who are you?" gasped the poor maiden. I hastened over to her side and tenderly took her hand (as Elizabeth fumed in the background).

"My dear girl," I cried miserably, "I found you in the forest and out of the goodness of my heart, brought you back unscathed. And thanks to Captain Jack Sparrow, you are safe, m'lady."

Now, if you will believe it, the girl paid no attention to any of my reassurances, but rather stared deep into my fascinating eyes. Knowing that staring into them too long may cause dizziness, I turned away, sparing her the humiliation of fainting.

"And Jack?" Elizabeth craned her neck toward Jack and looked as if she was going to push him overboard. "What do you mean you've been looking for her?"

Jack Sparrow 's gaze flickered back to the girl, and in a deep voice, he questioned, "Who are you?"

"Snow White," she breathed, her bosom heaving with the exertion.

"It is, is it?" he murmured, approaching her with an infinite delicacy. "You must answer my one question. It will determine whether you ARE THE ONE."

"Ask me," she gasped, flinging her black tresses all over my face. I sneezed. "Ask, and I shall answer," her voice quavered, and I feared for her strength.

"Do you cook or clean?" he asked.

I froze. This was exactly what he did to the last lass we had chanced upon two years ago. She went by the name Cinderella or something of another, but she was forced to slavery and hard labor for months before she escaped our ship in a potato barrel. From what I last heard, she had moved into a castle far, far away from the sea, ruined anyone named Jack (one kid named Jack was forced to sell his cow for some 'magic seeds,' advertisement, I ask you…), and became a living legend. I didn't want to save this Snow White merely to have her at the mercy of the infamous Jack Sparrow, notorious woman-driver.

"Yes!" she said. "That was actually the reason why I ran away."

"Ran away? From where?" asked Barbossa finally, still trying to shove her rings on his own gnarled fingers.

"These seven little dwarves. They've been forcing me to cook and clean for them ever since I had the misfortune to sleep in their bed. They were terribly angry after I slept in them."

"My dear," I spoke up, for she was beginning to look upset. "No man should be angry for having you as a bedside partner." She smiled gratefully in my direction, and I could feel myself counting up the brownie points I earned.

"Well, you've entered the crew of a pirate," said Jack.

"Truly?" she gasped. "Oh, how dreadful. Just like my best friend Wendy warned long ago."

"And you will cook and clean for the rest of your days, which won't be many more if you burn the pot roast," ordered Jack.

"Or buy crimson apples," added Barbossa.

"Take her to the brig," he said ceremoniously, ignoring the look of desperation in her eyes. I could barely take the cruelty, but Jack was my captain. What was a man with good bringing-up to do? Follow orders or save the women at Jack's mercy?

Barbossa grabbed her by the wrists, but not before checking for any additional bracelets. He nodded to her, "If you have money back where you're from, I'll let you go cheap," he muttered in her ear.

She shook her head, near tears. I choked back my own sobs as I watched the damsel dragged helplessly like Mr. Cotton's pirate with a ad wing down below deck.

"Will, you aren't crying, are you?" shot Elizabeth with frightening ferocity.

"Crying?" I sobbed. "Whatever gave you the idea? Just because the lady I tried to save has been forced into captivity because of me doesn't mean I have anything to cry about." Another tear fell out of my eye, and I wiped the snot with my violet sleeve. It would not do to have sticky nostril spillage dripping from my clean-cut nose.

"Exactly," said Jack happily.

Her eyes (which took up half her face, impossible as it sounds) haunted me, even when I closed my own perfectly-formed eyes in great distress. It mattered no longer to me what Jack and Barbossa will do.

I had made up my mind. I was going to break Snow White out, and if I failed in the attempt, my only regret would be that I have but one sword to fight the two pirates with.

**Yes, very, very OOC, but their OOC-ness has been spun off their original characters. I do hope you like it, and please review me! If not, I'll have to do a Will Turner. But anyway, please give me input (any kind is nice), and the more motivated I'll get to updating! Yes! **


End file.
